While reports have emerged that LSU is looking for (and has been relatively unsuccessful at) finding its next head coach, one unlikely name has applied for the position: Troy Elliott.
Dear Mr. Alleva,
I am writing this letter in response to your opening labeled HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR LSU FIGHTING TIGERS. I am available immediately and will be happy to coach at 1/4 the salary of your previous coach. I understand money is tight.
As I’m sure you are already aware, I am the 2nd most successful public middle school defensive coordinator in Etowah County. My defense this year has been impetuous, and my style has been impregnable. It is good to have impregnable things when you coach boys going through puberty. Our defense has been labelled “The Hairless Bears” due to our lack of leg hair and tendency to maul our opponents. We have only surrendered 48 points this year, 28 of which I blame squarely on an inept offensive coordinator. I don’t want to say who he models his playbook after, but it rhymes with Spam Spameron. I also have impeccable time management. I have managed to be 5 minutes late for work with consistency for the past 5 years.
I will be right at home in Baton Rouge. Although I have lived in Northeast Alabama my whole life, I am a Cajun at heart. I am a regular at a local authentic Cajun restaurant named “Popeye’s” (Pronounced PO-pies). I am a fan of their fresh seafood menu. Their red beans and rice are award winning and among the finest in the world. Just make sure you order your chicken extra mild. The heat is real. I also put Tony Chachere’s seasoning on everything, including my ice water and communion wafers.
Aside from my culinary expertise, I have also lived a life that helps me fit right into Louisiana. I fell for my common law wife after seeing her expose herself for the honor of plastic beads at Mardi Gras. Our first child was conceived that night on Bourbon Street. We named him Tabasco to commemorate the occasion. Our second son, Zatarain’s, was conceived in a Krystal’s in January 2012. Thank goodness there was another incident that night that took the attention off us.
I have been preparing for the possibility of this job opening since last year. My lawn has been carefully eaten the entire summer. I haven’t had a solid bowel movement in 8 months, but I believe that my dedication proves I am the man for the job.
I’m glad Mike is doing better, and I look forward to hearing from you,
Elliott’s list of qualifications certainly fit right in, just behind Houston’s Tom Herman and Florida State’s Jimbo Fisher.
It’s a good thing he’s caught up on his grass eating and time-management skills.