I’m horrible at golf. A few times ever year, I’ll tuck in my shirt, lace up my shoes and take at least 110 hacks on my way around the course while drinking more than a few cold beers in the process. Golf is one of the most mentally-taxing sports ever created, yet we can’t help but enjoy hitting the links when the weather is beautiful.
From casual rookies like me to seasoned retirees who play every weekend, golf is the ultimate test of consistency, repetition, and having the mental fortitude not to launch your five iron into the nearest lake. Golf is first traced back to the Song Dynasty in China, but the game we know and love (and hate) today was polished in Scotland during the 15th century. Today, the game can be played by any golf enthusiast who’s willing to learn the game and have a have a respectable set of tools in their golf bag.
If you’re new to golf, have no fear! I’ve dove deep into volumes of Golf Digest, read Tiger Woods’ book cover-to-cover, and consulted with golf savants for the most important golf accessories every player needs in their arsenal.
None of that advice worked, so I went ahead and found the eight accessories for casual, average golf lover just like you and me that will take your Saturday afternoon golf game from just O.K. to over-the-top incredible.
For starters, every casual golfer needs to have some style on the golf course. If you’re not going to be any good, you better be prepared to look the part. You can shop Royal & Awesome Golf Pants here, as they come in 19 different styles to tickle every player’s fancy and convince everyone else that if you’re wearing pants like that, you MUST be good at golf.
Every golfer needs a golf glove. It’s a sacred ritual to shank your opening tee shot into the next fairway, silently cuss under your breath, then take off your glove and tuck it into your back pocket. Buy “The Bird” by clicking here so you can turn to your friends and flash them a “NICE SHOT” that’s perfectly placed on the middle finger. At the very least, you’ll feel a little better despite being no closer to making your par.
Alright. Now that you’re geared up and ready to hit the links, it’s time to tee up your golf ball. You’re going to scatter balls all over the course (admit it, you will), so you better have balls that are easy to find. Your answer is to buy these Emoji Golf Balls that come complete with a few golf tees and a divot tool because you’re going to leave more than a few holes around the course, too…
Naturally, you’re going to need a place to keep those balls, right? While just tossing them in the bottom of your golf bag might suffice, every casual golfer shouldn’t be afraid to make a statement. This MySack Golf Ball Bag is perfect for protecting your balls and making everyone do a double take to make sure they actually saw what they saw swinging off the back of your golf cart. For me, this one tops my wish list.
You’ve got clothes. You’ve got balls. Now it’s time to unveil your driver and take the course. Every golfer needs to protect their clubs with a cover, and this Gopher Golf Club Cover — reminiscent of Bill Murray’s nemesis in Caddyshack — is perfect for every bag. If this doesn’t do if for you, have no fear! There’s a Sasquatch Cover, you can buy a Ted the Teddy Bear Cover that talks to you, and even a Donald Trump Inspired Cover to help Make Golf Great Again.
Once you (finally) reach the putting green, golf etiquette demands you mark your ball while everybody putts. Don’t settle for the dusty nickel you found in your pocket, and buy this set of Magnetic Ball Markers that conveniently clip to your hat. Sorry, I can’t help your putting game (I can’t even help mine…), but you can at least have a high quality set of markers while you’re there.
Once you finally stumble into the clubhouse after a long round, make sure and let everybody know just how O.K. you really are. This World’s Okayest Golfer T-Shirt can be purchased in 15 different colors (maybe to match your crazy pants?) and help you stand out among the real “professionals.” Plus, this makes a great gift for Christmas that’s a sure-fire hole in one.
You came. You swung. You realized sucking at golf isn’t all that fun after all. Thankfully, Clive Scarff created the perfect gift with this perfect tongue-in-cheek book to help terrible golfers like you and me figure out just what the hell we’re doing wrong. Purchase Why You Suck at Golf: 50 Common Mistakes by Recreational Golfers and see if you can’t improve either your game, or your golf buddy’s game, by just a few strokes.
Don’t worry, my own personal copy, as well as several of these other funny golf gift ideas are currently on the way.
This post was originally published on February 27, 2019.