Soccer Player Bites Penis
AP Photo/Ramon Espinosa

Soccer Player Bites Opponent's Penis, Gets Banned 5 Years

If soccer players had a bad wrap before, then this story will wash away the last shred of credibility among fans who don't follow the global sport. But because my four years of high school French have faded away (The only phrase I remember is "Can I use the hall pass?"), Sophie Tanno of MailOnline relayed the phallus-rattling details of a report from local news website, Le Républicain Lorraine.

A match in eastern France between amateur soccer clubs Terville and Soetrich ended in a 1-1 draw. I'm sure we're all well aware of how fiery and heated second division French soccer can get, but what transpired on the local league field ultimately spilled into the parking lot. When two players started a post-match fight, a Terville player stepped in to break things up. Apparently, that's a huge no-no in French culture because a Soetrich player decided to bite the peacemaker right on his dick.

The injured Terville player needed 10 stitches to suture his wounds, was off work for four days, and (if it were me) likely required a lifetime's worth of counseling.

Soccer Player Banned for Biting Opponent's Penis

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First things first: how does this happen? Penises aren't hanging out for anyone to nibble on. They're tucked away in men's trousers and are waist high. Did this Soetrich soccer player dive into the pile head first and just go for it? Was there a slip-and-fall moment where he came face-to-dick and realized his moment had come? There are more questions than answers here, but the very thought of having my dangling friend nearly bitten off gives me the willies.

After an extensive investigation, the penis biter was banned from local competition for five years. And to make this story even more absurd, not only did the Terville footballer deal with his tanned banana all bruised and batter, but he also received a six-month suspension for his role in the altercation. In addition, the Terville club was fined 200 euros and docked two penalty points in the standings for "failing to meet their safety obligations" as home team and showing a "lack of reaction" by club officials after the fight broke out.

"It's quite rare to have sanctions of several years, there are less than 10 per year. The case was a bit saucy, but ... there must have been some nasty tension, so the smiles on the disciplinary committee quickly faded."

— Emmanuel Saling of the Mosellan football district

Penis biting. Just another day in the life of global football.

This article was originally published February 19, 2020.

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