He’s back at it again.
In a stunner, Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze resigned on Thursday due to personal misconduct, and things could get worse for the Rebels as they face potential NCAA sanctions in the future.
Because of that, Ole Miss doesn’t exactly look like an attractive job to most prospective coaches, but at least one man is interested: middle school coach Troy Elliott, who sent this letter to Ole Miss athletic director Ross Bjork about the position.
Dear Mr. Bjork,
As a lifelong fan of Icelandic Electronica, it is an honor to correspond with you. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Troy Elliott, and I am your next football coach.
I am sure my acclaim precedes me, but allow me to set the record straight. I am no longer the 2nd best middle school defensive coordinator in Etowah County. I am now the 3rd best middle school HEAD COACH in Etowah County. I was promoted during the offseason following an issue with the former head coach and missing lunchroom food. Crispito-Gate shook our team to the core, but I have things headed in the right direction.
In terms of football, my knowledge is as solid as Laremy Tunsil’s status as a number one draft pick. I am a fan of Ole Miss’s “Land Shark” defense and plan on continuing the name and spirit. As a fan of Saturday Night Live, I can’t think of a better term to embody a defense. The “Land Shark” name inspired me to change our middle school mascot. Instead of the Lions, we will hereafter be known as the Fighting Toonces the Driving Cats.
In preparation for this potential opening, I have been in contact with several of Coach Freeze’s business partners. Synimon, Star, and Trixie were very helpful in learning the ins and outs and ins and outs of the various aspects of coaching at Ole Miss. I could be critical of Coach Freeze’s associates, but I will not grab that low hanging fruit. Coincidentally, “Low-Hanging Fruit” is the name of the establishment that employs Synimon.
I will also take steps to make sure that recruiting continues in the right direction. At the suggestion of many recruits, I plan on establishing a group of recruiting advisors called “The Hotty Toddys Wit Dem Bodies.” The creation of this group will be overseen by Bo Wallace’s Hair and Chad Kelly. It is my understanding that Chad Kelly has already reached out to potential advisors through Twitter. In addition to the program, I also plan on building team chemistry through climbing trips with the Nkemdiche brothers.
I can start tomorrow, but I am going to request a new cell phone or at least some Germ-X. Don’t waste your time with other coaches. Their resumes are shakier than Hugh Freeze’s moral high ground. There is a phrase by Oxford’s own William Faulkner that seems to be relevant in this tumultuous time. The Nobel prize winner once wrote “I don’t kiss on the mouth. Cash only. Hey look, a bear.” Truly wise words.
As a lifelong resident of Alabama, it will be a pleasant change to move to a state where things move a little slower. I am frequently overwhelmed by the hectic nature of 49, and I can’t wait to enjoy life in 50. We’ll shine this thing up prettier than a Mississippi hooker.
I look forward to hearing from you,
PS: I never would have dreamed that Hugh’s heart was so wicked, but he kept calling back cause it’s so hard to kick it. (Hey, Hey, Hey).
He definitely wasn’t kidding about the low-hanging fruit there…
Elliott has gained minor fame in the past by sending similar hilarious letters to LSU and Alabama following the departures of Les Miles and Lane Kiffin from those schools. Those pitches didn’t exactly work, but it looks like Elliott is taking another comical shot at gaining some SEC fame.
For now, though, offensive coordinator Matt Luke is serving as Ole Miss’ interim coach until the school finds a permanent replacement.